Thoughts Through the Sorrow

I did not realize how difficult it would be when I lost my mother in April. I miss her every minute of every day. I miss so many of the little things such as our daily phone calls, our visits, and the up to minute the text messages about the progress of our new baby. These are the things that made my life worth living every day.


I believe in the lord and I believe in his love and strength, but I can honestly say that my faith has been tested over the last few weeks. I have cried until the tears can no longer flow a felt a sudden sadness that is indescribable. Sometimes, I just want to pick up that phone and call her just to tell her I love her so much. Immediately after she had passed I called her cell phone just so I could hear her voice one more time.

I guess you do not understand how hard it is to lose a parent until it happens to you. I have had friends lose parents and of course I was incredibly sympathetic, but you can never really understand what your friend is going through. I know that pain now and I so wish I did not.

Friends and family have told me mom is in a better place. Deep down I know she is, however in my mind I do not see how she is. The place she really needs to be selfishly is with us. She needs to be there when times are tough, she needs to be playing with her grandchildren and she certainly needs to be there next week when my son is born. How can she be in a better place right now I have asked myself over and over again?

People also tell me that it will get better over time. I am not coping as I would have thought I would have been able to. I do not have my mother’s strength and courage. I did not realize the extent of the hurt or the loneliness I would feel. This should be the best time of my life and I am sure that it will get better, it is just not the same without my mother here to share it. She would have enjoyed every single minute of every day with her family.

I never want to make excuses for myself no matter what I do in my life, but I find myself saying over and over to anyone who will listen that you should cut me some slack, I am grieving here. I looked deep into my actions today and I know that my mother would not want that of me. She would not want that for anyone in my family. It is not what my mother was all about.

My mother personified strength during a crisis situation. I need to take that strength and incorporate it into my life and my being. I have to do it for my sons, my family, my friends, and especially for myself. How can you lead when you cannot find your own way? How can you show your strength to the world when you are not ready to see it for what it really is? This last year my mother told me over and over again that I am in a good place in life so go and enjoy it. I need to listen to that advice now.

Emotions run so high when you go through diversity in life. You look for answers in so many places and you already have most of them you just need to think about the difference between what the truth really is and what you want it to be. I wrote in my mom’s eulogy about all of the lessons she taught us growing up and at times over the last few weeks I threw most of them out the window. I am not sure if I was thinking just through my heart or if I was just thinking through all of the sadness that I am enduring. This is really counterproductive to everyone right now. I am so angry at the world that I do not even know myself when I look in the mirror at times. I know I am not the man I see in my reflection. I know I am not an angry person. I am a fundamentally jovial person. I know why I am angry and where the root of the anger is coming from obviously, but I have to control the anger.

I find myself wondering why with all my education I could not help in anyway. I fret over the fact I never really said goodbye. I ask god why, why, why, until I am blue in the face. There is not a why or a how, there is just finality that I cannot accept. I guess that not accepting it, puts my mother in a category of the great ones. If I accepted it without any emotion she would not have been the mother she was to us.

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