Death and Taxes are not our only guarantees

Is death and taxes the only guarantees in life? I am sure that an incredible amount of bright people have pondered this very quote. Ben Franklin's exact quote is "but in the world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes." Is that really true? Absolutely not, I guarantee it.

Sure, everyone unfortunately is going to die and everyone will always pay some sort of taxes, unless you are an illegal alien; but there are other guarantees as well. I guarantee it.

Guarantees in life are plenty and I want to share a few with you. I guarantee these are well thought out and extremely reliable since I am the one guaranteeing it. It is my column and I will guarantee if I want to.

I guarantee you will never feel more emotion in your life then when your child is born. No matter how great someone tells you it is going to be, it is not even close to being the truth.

I guarantee that there is someone in the world that needs your help. Even if it is a perfect stranger put yourself out there and show some love and support. Maybe, if everyone could touch at least one person the world would be a better place.
I guarantee if you make a goal and you put the proper time and effort into it, you will succeed. You may not accomplish all of your goals but you will certainly be the better for it.

Eating healthy and exercising regularly will guarantee you a better lifestyle. You will absolutely feel better about yourself and you will have the energy and stamina necessary to be more productive.

Your first amendment right to free speech is a guaranteed right in this country. You are allowed to speak your mind as long as you do not slander a person. The constitution guarantees it.

I guarantee that if you spend quality time with your children; the benefits will be enormous. All too many times children fall through the cracks because parents do not listen their children. It does not take a lot to make a child happy. Spend the time.
You can guarantee that there is more to life than money. Money cannot buy happiness alone. You need to have other things in your life to make you feel fulfilled.
In the late nineteen nineties I guarantee thirty percent of all of professional athletes were on steroids. Men and women who believed the only what to get ahead in life was to take a short cut dominated athletics. It was wrong then and it will always be wrong no matter how many agents try to spin it.

You can take it to the bank that there will be more regulations on mortgages in the future no pun intended. Never again will undocumented files get through loan underwriters. Our economy will suffer for years as banks gave loans to unqualified individuals, I guarantee it.

Pepsi Cola and Coca-Cola will always be enemies guaranteed. There will never be a day where they will learn to co-exist. Mergers are the wave of the future but imagine for a second what a mixture of Coke and Pepsi would bring to the world. The Pepsi challenge would not be a challenge now would it?

I guarantee that drinking massive amounts of Patron Tequila will always end up badly. It never works out the way you think it will.

I guarantee that the world will eventually run out of oil and someone will have to figure out how to power our transportation vehicles. Ben Franklin did not know what the automobile was back then so we will have to give him a pass for not adding this to his guarantee list.

People from Irish decent should never go out in the sun without some type of sunscreen. That is a guarantee.

I guarantee the Queen of England puts her panty hose on one leg at a time. No one on this earth is born into greatness, greatness comes from inside.

Finally, I guarantee that there is a Santa Claus. I know this because the Easter Bunny told me.

E-mail me your guarantees to drcchasse@verizon.net

Follow The little white golf ball

I love to play golf. Golf is truly a game that absolutely makes no sense to me at all. You hit a white ball praying you can find it only to hit it again and again without losing it; to hopefully put it in a small hole. You need to do this eighteen times to complete a round of golf. If golf made any sense at all you would hit the ball, find the ball, put it in your pocket and get off the course as quickly as possible with the ball.

We all have seen golf on television and each of us know the basic concept of the sport. What all of us do not know is that golf is not just a sport, to some it is a religious event. You and up to three partners are playing a game and also sharing an experience. Whether you are playing with friends or perfect strangers it does not matter, what matters is you are free for that round of golf to be exactly who you want to be. You can play a serious round, like Tiger Woods or you can be Jackie Mason in Caddy Shack, a total hacker; it certainly does not matter as long as you are playing.

Discussions on the golf course are almost as fun as playing golf itself. Telling jokes, talking about significant others, business, etc, is only one part of golf. Slaps on the back after a good shot or putt makes one forget about the daily troubles in a golfer’s life. You can hit seventy five bad shots and only one good shot and that one good shot or great discussion will get you back on the course again.

My usual golf partner is my very best friend Scott. Scott and I have had so many wonderful moments on the course and in life. Scott named his second child after my brother and me. We have played hundreds of rounds of golf together and we have had so many wonderful memories on so many different courses. We have been playing golf together for over twenty five years. We have pretty similar games, we hit good shots and we hit some not so good shots. But at the end of the day, we have had our share of laughs, extreme frustrations generally taken out on our clubs, and more importantly we strengthen our bond as friends every time we play a round of golf. I could play the worst golf in history but I would still play with Scott every time he asks. It means that much to me.

Golf is one of the only games where you can just show up to the course and get into a group of four to play a round. I have had some of the greatest times in my life doing this. I have met some of the funniest people in the world on a golf course. I have laughed so hard I could not even hit the ball. For every ten golfers I have met who have made my round of golf great there are always that certain few who make you want to wrap your club around their necks.

When you see an elderly man cut you off at the red light near your home, your first thought is what is the hurry grandpa? Let me tell you I know were grandpa is going. He is heading to the golf course. Grandpa is heading to the golf course just to ruin my round of golf. He is not going to smile, and he is certainly not going to rush his round of golf if he is playing in front of me. For the record, I have played with golfers who were well into their eighties and I have had a great, great time playing with them. There are those few however who make it a point to let you know that they feel like they own the course.

Golf has a sort of well to do etiquette to it. On your score card golf etiquette is always discussed. Young and old players generally follow these rules. The certain few that believe they are playing on the PGA Tour really frost my golf balls. Twenty practice swings or eying your putt, (golfers look over the putting green to see how to hit their ball with their putter). If you have played mini golf think of it as checking out how you get it through the clown’s mouth without him spitting it back out at you. These golfers get no enjoyment out of golf. There only enjoyment it seems to me is to aggravate everyone on the course.

Golf is a multibillion dollar industry and new equipment is being introduced all the time. New golf balls, clubs or training devices are on television all of the time. Every time a new golf club is introduced the manufacture always claims the club with make you hit the ball farther. I have bought several clubs and this one thought is always in my head; shouldn’t I be hitting the ball at least a half a mile by now???

No doubt about it golf is a great game. It is like no other sport out there. Young or Old the game is still played the same way, you hit the ball several times to put it into eighteen completely different holes. Golf is such a part of my life I will enjoy it into my grandpa years. I do promise to never be the old grouchy golfer some day. I have too much fun on the course to ever be that guy.



Footnote:
I have some of the greatest golf stories ever. E-mail me and I will share a few with you.
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A bad day of golf is better than a good day at work. Whether you are in a good foursome or you are behind that player who thinks he is on the PGA Tour, golf is a great pastime. More and more families are getting out on courses.

Even if you have never taken a lesson you can go to a driving range or pitch and putt and try to at least learn to hit a ball. Trust me plenty of pro golfers started off this way.

My pillow

I have to be honest; I have an extreme love affair with my pillow. My pillow is a Carpenter Isotonic that I purchased at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It was a decision for the ages. Seriously people, with over two thousand, five hundred and forty eight hours a year with your pillow you certainly need to be comfortable with it.

I tried every kind of pillow that has ever been manufactured before I settled on my Carpenter Isotonic. It was magical that first night, an instant love affair. I am a romantic what can I say?

A pillow is supposed to provide support and comfort so says Wikipedia online. Comfort with your pillow not only comes in the form of physical comfort but emotional comfort as well. I needed both in a pillow. Everyone needs to be comfortable when they sleep that is a given, it is the emotional attachment that has made my pillow special to me. I know it sounds ludicrous that one can be so attached to a pillow but it is so true.

My hopes and dreams go through my head when I lay on my pillow. When I think about the day that has passed and the day to come, I lay my head on my wonderful beautiful pillow and I always lay out a big sigh. The smile on my face is all you need to see to prove to you that my pillow is part of me.

Have you ever seen a child carry a ratty old blanket or a stuffed animal that has so much stuffing coming out that calling it a stuffed animal seems like an oxymoron? The blanket or the toy animal is something that gives a child that safety zone we all hope to have. Like me with my pillow, it is the comfort and safety that makes me and anyone else who has that special something always go back to it.

It is a human need to get some peace and relaxation in your life. Millions of dollars are spent each year on specialty massages. Massages are not just for body aches folks. They are more for relaxation and getting to a place where you can just get away mentally. One massage session can go for over one hundred dollars and they are getting more expensive all the time. I get the same relaxation from a sixty dollar pillow. You thought I was the crazy one here didn’t you?

I am a firm believer that change is good every once in awhile. You change your clothes to give yourself a different look and feel. The same goes for your pillow. I dress up my pillow with a silk pillow case in the summer, a flannel pillow case in the winter, and sometimes when I go all out I use my famous cotton Snow Man pillow case. There is nothing like a fresh smelling new pillow case to add to your pillow pleasure.

I respect my pillow far too much to use it as a weapon in a pillow fight. Under no circumstance has it ever let me down, so why should I let it down?

Would I ever consider trying another type of pillow even though I believe I found the Holy Grail with the pillow I have. Of course I would. I could try a new down pillow again. Someone could come up with a new Synthetic pillow that could blow me away and I could take a leap and purchase one. I also might go with one of those new orthopedic pillows that are the new age of pillows. My options are endless. Regardless if I change the type, the end result will always be the same. My pillow will always be my comfort zone as I lay my head to sleep, without it my happiness will just disappear like the straw stuffed pillow.



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How much pizza can we eat?

My hometown has seven Pizza Parlors within a five mile radius. My vacation hometown, which has approximately nine hundred people, has about 1000 pizza places-well maybe just eight, which is still too many for the amount of people in town.

I love a good pizza like the next person do not get me wrong, I just did not understand our fascination with it and I needed to do a little research.

Pizza has a history going back to the Ancient Greeks and the Romans. The Ancient Greeks covered their bread with oil, cheese, and herbs; while the Romans added honey and cheese to flat bread that was flour based and flavored with bay leaves.

Modern pizza started out as a Neapolitan Pie with tomatoes and cheese in Italy around 1889. Gennaro Lombardi sold the first “American” pizza in 1905. Yes folks, it was not Papa Gino who originally sold the first pizza in America. Fact is, Mr. Gino is just a character in the like the Energizer Bunny is much to my dismay.

Who does not like pizza? In my college years, I could eat a whole cheese pizza without even batting an eye. Later on when I started watching those terrible things called calories, eating a whole pie is not one of the best things for your body. Adding pepperoni, sausage, meatballs, and any other calorie filled item will make your eyes water with glee but unfortunately add to your waste line.

Combinations like ham and pineapple on a pizza, a personal favorite, makes creating a pizza a sweet science. It does not matter to me how unhealthy most pizzas are because of the high fat and oil content, if you can think of it you can throw it on a pizza and bon appetite.

So why do Americans have such a fascination with pizza? Why not lasagna parlors or meatloaf shops? Chain pizza parlors started in the early 1940’s in New York, Boston and Los Angeles predominantly. These chains flourished as pizza is relatively easy to make with cheap ingredients and a high profit margin. Quick, easy, and high profit - as American as it gets. Pizza restaurants out number all fast food restaurants times ten in America.

Now that I learned where pizza came from, I still wanted to know why we eat so much of it and why there is a pizza parlor on every corner. Is it the mozzarella cheese that keeps people coming back? The incredible taste of an onion and pepper pizza? Maybe it is just how easy it is to order one and either pick it up close by or get it delivered right to your door step. Maybe it is just all about the taste.

Amanda Maclay, a scientist who researched why pizza taste’s so good, wrote a paper on the specifics of how pizza because of its fat content and spices actually stimulate most of our 10,000 taste buds. I read Amanda’s piece and I did not see how this explained anything to me. French Fries have no spices and I guarantee they stimulate all of my ten thousand taste buds.

Miraculously, it dawned on me why pizza is as popular as it is. Forget the taste bud angle. Forget that it goes great with another American food staple, beer. The beer angle was seriously thought out in my head but the image of a seven year old covered in sauce and cheese begging his parents for more dismissed that thought.

I also had to eliminate the top reason being that pizza is good either hot or cold or better yet out of the box from the floor in a college dorm room two days later. Chinese food is equal to pizza here.

The real reason I believe that pizza is so popular is that it is the one food that a family can buy where all can be satisfied. Do not like onions, only add to half the pie; cannot decide between meat or veggie, add all of them. Pizza offers so much variety it satisfies everyone after the combinations are discussed in a true strategic session generally reserved for the Pentagon.

Knowing how some families cannot reach a decision on anything, it does not amaze me any more why there are so many Pizza Parlors. The more parlors there are the better the odds that a family can reach a mutual decision on which place to order from, increasing the odds for that peaceful meal. That is it right, isn’t it?
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When Did We Get So Sensitive?

The United States of America is a country founded on Christian ideals. One nation under god, remember? Obviously you do not remember, that was almost two hundred and fifty years ago. Jefferson, Adams and some guy Washington, the man who sits on a dollar bill to some folks, were Christian, god fearing men, who put their blood, sweat, and tears in creating this wonderful nation. Whether you believe in God or you do not, that is not the issue here. What bothers me is that the United States, created by our Christian forefathers, has people in it who are offended by individuals who for instance say Merry Christmas. Saying Happy Chanukah or Merry Christmas to a friend or neighbor is now worse than walking down the street with the old big middle finger in the air. We might offend someone by expressing holiday cheer. We have become not just a politically correct nation but an oversensitive one.

All in the Family was one of the funniest shows on in television history and arguably one of the best shows of all time. Can you imagine a network looking at a pilot with Archie Bunker in it today? All in the Family was ground breaking for its humor, tackling the politics of the time, racism, and so much more. The underlying theme of this sitcom was to show how ludicrous bigotry really is through humor. The corporate executives at the networks would see the show as too controversial in today’s market if it was presented today. One of the greatest shows in television history would never air in 2009 because people would not see the humor and the teaching principals that the show would bring. Activists would crucify the show and the networks would buckle to the pressure.

Name calling has always been like a national pastime in my family especially between my brother and me. My brother can not go five minutes without calling me some type of name. Trust me I love him dearly and I do find it fascinating how many ways he can call a moron. He has always made me laugh and time and again he has got it right back with my irresistible charm and wit. We have gone to many an event where our needling has been overheard by bystanders. Laughter is the best medicine and if we are only offending ourselves why should it matter to anyone? We are only insulting each other for laughs and we certainly are not insulting others.

We can not debate anyone anymore in this country without offending someone or being put down for our beliefs. Look at the town meetings over this health care debate. If you voice an opinion and it goes against the main stream you are vilified. People who protest for a cause should be able to without worrying about someone who is sensitive about what is being protested. Our forefathers again believed in debate. Debate is healthy and positive in this society.

Look at the way history books are now being re-written. How can we re-write history? How can we teach what really did not happen because people are sensitive to the events and mistakes of our nation’s past. History should teach us a lesson and to correct the mistakes of the past. Changing the past changes the lessons learned from the past.

I was driving in town a couple of weeks ago and in the center of town was an anti-war protest. My first reaction was to open the window and shout out that our troops are protecting all of us. When I thought about it after awhile I realized our troops fight for us every day so we can be free to say what we feel and to express those feelings in a lawful way.

Tolerance to others is why we thrive as a nation. Freedoms of speech and protections of speech is our right in the constitution. Over and over people have used that right to shoot down things that have been in our lives since our grandparents’ grandparents. Freedom of speech goes both ways and I am a proponent of that right. What I am not a proponent of is how people take that speech and take it the wrong way. I do not like saying Happy Holidays, I like saying Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah. I also believe that everyone has a right to their own opinion regardless of what those opinions are. Political correctness has gone so far overboard that we no longer express what we are really thinking or really believe. In these times losing our humorous ways will drive us to being robotic and who wants that?


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