Pooped because of Poop

How much poop can a six week old child actually deliver to his diaper in a week? How much can my sixteen month old deliver? This week, I am pooped from changing poop, aka an infant bowel movement for those of you who want to make it sound a bit more elegant. To top it all off, I spent two days trying everything I could to get my new born just to poop.


The average child uses over three thousand diapers in one year. Consider that a child has a poop (infant bowel movement) at least once a day and you do not have to do the math, well that is a lot of poop. I can only imagine what it is like if you have multiples. Kate plus eight has gone up just a bit in my book.

My newborn son had the same problems this week as my son did when he was about the same age. Newborns have a problem at first with constipation. I tried everything I could to get my oldest through it. I added Karo Syrup to his bottle, I gave him warm baths, and I took his little legs and made a bicycle motion with them; heck I would have given him Fiber One Cereal if he could have eaten it. I tried everything the pediatrician told me to do to help his little belly. When he finally was able to go, man what a chocolate surprise he left me! Never in my life did I ever believe I would be cheering on poop. Their little smiles after was worth all of the nastiness I had to endure.

I have told anyone that was willing to listen over the past year that I pride myself on how fast I change a diaper. I have become so methodical at it; I smile just thinking about my infant bowel movement skills. I know what you are thinking, he must be nuts.

I literally ordered a small dumpster because I have more dirty diapers than I know what to do with. I ask myself over and over again are these diapers biodegradable? The simple answer to this quite simply is no. Diapers contain so many chemicals that break down so slowly in landfills it is not environmentally friendly. Many websites and environmental groups advocate cloth diapers as an alternative. All in all it is probably the way to go, however it certainly is not practical.

I guess that brings me to why I am pooped. Diapers need to be changed more than I need to look in the mirror and that is a lot (I only look to see how bad the bags under my eyes are). It seems like my boys eat it, and then poop it as quickly as they eat it. It happens almost every three hours with the little one. Three hour sleep sessions do not work for us older folks. Every poop seems to wake up the little guys almost instantaneously. Great, huh?

Supposedly if your baby is breastfed expect a lot of poop, at least in the beginning. Since my boys are bottle fed, that does not apply to me since my ducts are all dried up. Please do not make me explain that joke. Breastfed babies often have a bowel movement after every feeding for the first few weeks; again thank god my ducts are dried up.

If your baby is a formula-fed baby, he will poop a lot in the beginning too, which totally applies to me for obvious reasons. Formula-fed babies do not have as many bowel movements and you can enter your own joke here, but generally, as breastfed babies but you can expect four or five poops a day in the first few weeks the experts say. Where were these experts when I had to add Karo Syrup to my son’s bottle to get him to flow like a river? Picture the chocolate river like the one at Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. When you have that image in your head then you have an idea of what Karo Syrup does.

Every now and then the notorious green poop has shown up in the boy’s diapers. I just take a look at it and I ask myself “how’d that get there?” I am told that there are many different causes for green poop. More than likely, if your baby has green poop, it’s nothing to worry about, but a few of the endless possibilities are milk imbalance, iron fortified formula, and the infamous Irish Leprechaun visits.

No matter how many diapers I change everyday it will never bother me one bit. I have more creams and lotions at my disposal than they have at CVS. Changing diapers is nothing more than bringing out the parenting skills that you have. It stinks, literally; however, it needs to be done.




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BP you SOB!

BP is an SOB and I am not speaking of the oil spill in the in the gulf. I am speaking of their influence in releasing the Lockerbie Bomber. British Petroleum was more concerned with getting drilling rights off of the coast of Libya than getting justice for the people who lost their lives in Pan Am flight 103.


Flight 103 was the third flight of the day for Pan Am from London’s Heathrow Airport to New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport on Wednesday 21 December 1988. Flight 103 was a Boeing Seventy Forty Seven named was destroyed by a bomb, killing all 243 passengers and all 16 crew member. There was also 11 people in Lockerbie, southern Scotland, that were killed as large sections of the plane fell from the sky all over town, bringing the total number of people killed to 270. With all the people killed in the town of Lockerbie the media dubbed this atrocity the Lockerbie bombing.

There was a three-year joint investigation by the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Dumfries and Galloway Constabulary. Over fifteen thousand witnesses were interviewed and indictments for murder were issued on 13 November 1991 against Lamin Khalifah ,the head of security for Libyan Arab Airlines Fhimah and Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, a Libyan intelligence officer, the LAA station manager in Luqa Airport, Malta.

The United Nations sanctioned Libya and after years and several economic incentives, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Libya’s un-elected leader, handed over both of these individuals on April 5th, 1999 to Scottish police at Camp Zeist, Netherlands as it was negotiated that the trial would be held at a neutral site.

Khalif and al-Megrahi were both given life sentences after their trials. Al-Megrahi was released in 2009 for humanitarian reasons. This to me is lunacy, as al-Megrahi showed the people on the flight or in Lockerbie.

Al-Megrahi was only supposed to live for three months upon his release due to his colon cancer. Doctors now believe that he could live a decade. How can someone condone what this man was a part of?

Now after all the death and pain this man has caused in the world British Petroleum decided it was in their best interest to spit on the grave of the brave souls that lost their lives that day. Their were fathers and mothers and students on that flight and on the ground BP!

BP insists that it never raised the actual subject of the al-Megrahi while lobbying the British Government to release al-Megrahi. If you believe that I have a certain bridge in London that I am selling for a dollar.

This is all about a $900 million exploration deal BP provisionally agreed with Libya back in two thousand seven. This is the same month that Libya and the Brits decided to talk about a prisoner swap.

Libya was starting to get cold feet on ratifying the deal with BP. It was not until the prisoner swap was completed that Libya finally accepted the deal with BP. Mind blowing I know.

Hillary Clinton has been pushing the United States Congress to hold hearings on this situation. I for one applaud the Secretary of State for taking it upon herself to look into this matter. There were over one hundred Americans on that flight. Imagine the uproar if we let a serial killer out of jail, well the British Government did just that and they have to be taken to task on that.

BP is a despicable company that has pushed profit over everything else in their minds. A company needs to look not at the bottom line all of the time. I for one now cringe at the site of a BP gas station and their advertisements in the media. Although their handling of the gulf situation has given the company a huge black eye, this Lockerbie Bomber mess has really got me totally fired up.



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Weekly Thought Bonanza July 27th

On Sunday/Monday, I produce a column called “The Weekly Thought Bonanza”. The column is based on all of the random thoughts that run through my head all week, and trust me there are a plethora of them. I will try to share as many of these thoughts as I can, so each one of my readers can think just a little bit extra over the coming week.


Is anyone following the Arizona immigration bill? While I see both sides of the issue, I believe Arizona has the right to protect its citizens and its economy, but I do not think that the Justice Department should be getting involved. Eric Holder should just back off.

Not that I am into promoting companies in this column, but when you buy an appliance at Best Buy-you get the Geek Squad to service the product if something goes wrong. When you call the Geek Squad you actually get an American that answers the phone and they show up within a day of the call. It is nice to see that a major US corporation gets it.

Having one child is a blessing, however having two is nothing short of a miracle.

The National Football League opens its training camps this week and it seems to me that this year is absolutely flying by. It will be Christmas shortly at this rate. It is time to start my list.

Here is something for the what the heck were they thinking vault. At least six babies have died in cars because of dehydration because they were left in cars in sweltering heat. Forget the death penalty, just put these folks in the same situation and let them see what there insensitivity has really done.

I just heard tonight that this is the worst mosquito year since 1996. If there is one insect I can do without it is the mosquito. Then again, what insect can or do you want to live with?

I have started to watch Sesame Street again as my fifteen month old has become enamored with it at breakfast. If I could only get the stupid songs out of my head all day it might be bearable. I stop short at watching Barney though.

My Kuerig coffee tip of the week is; Timothy Horton’s Italian Roast is fabulous.

I cannot believe I am going to say this out loud with a straight face, but Donnie Wahlberg is a pretty decent actor.

In case anyone cares, but there is now more flavors of microwave popcorn than there are microwaves in the United States. I like plain popcorn with butter, just butter. If I wanted Nacho Cheese flavor I would eat nachos.

Ok, I just got bit by a mosquito, further enhancing my point that this is a bad mosquito year. Ughh, I hate those little critters.

Changing diapers is a little bit like roping a bull. You have to keep the legs of your little one literally tied up or they will be getting their chocolate surprise all over the place.

If you want a laugh, go to your nearest ice cream shoppe and look at how many people are ordering the biggest ice cream cones ever. People should just grab a big cone and scoop out the whole half gallon for the love of God. How much ice cream can people eat? Ice cream has mega calories folks.

Hyundai has dominated the JD Power car awards this year. Is it me or are you still thinking a Hyundai is like the old Yugo?

My favorite summer meal is BBQ Ribs, corn on the cob, baked beans and cornbread. My, oh my, is that heavenly.

If skateboarding is a sport then there is a place for it in the Olympics. What is the difference between skateboarding and snowboarding?

By the way, I am not a fan of snakes either.

I do not remember all of the 90 degree temperature days in New England last year. I looked it up and there was only seven all year. This year there has been sixteen. What a difference a year makes.

Does anyone believe in exorcisms? Maybe I should ask Linda Blair.

The Weekly Thought Bonanza, thought of the week; Why isn’t there anymore candy stores around? Is it because we are now too health conscious? Food or shall I say candy for thought.





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My lack of mechanic skills

I know so little about cars that I am an embarrassment to the male race. If I saw a damsel in distress on the side of the road, I could only open the hood and try to make it look good, but it would be to no avail. I am as useless as the information I share, when it comes to any type of engine, gas or electric. I know how to pump gas and add windshield washer fluid to my car, that is about it.


Yesterday, I had to review my car’s manual just to open the hood of my BMW just to charge my battery. When I tried to charge the battery, I knew for a fact that the charger has a positive and negative side that needs to be attached to the battery. Whether red or black is positive or negative I still have no idea about. Pathetic is my middle name I guess.

Why do cars have a carburetor? As a matter of fact, what is a carburetor? I did look it up on the internet and I still do not get what it does. I know the device blends air and fuel to make the car run, but that is about all I know about the “carb”, as we here in the United States like to call it. Well, do not add me into that we.

When I was in High School my car caught on fire because of the carburetor. I know this because after the car had pretty much burned itself out a friendly fireman told me it was the carburetor cable was a bit faulty. All I cared about was I got a new car from my parents out of the deal.

I once hit a curve and put a huge gash in my tire when I was a teenager. I literally drove the car four miles home on a flat tire because it was late and I did not want to call home and ask what to do. The next morning, my dad asked me if I knew I had a flat tire and why the heck I did not change the tire if I knew it was flat. As coolly as I could, I told my dad I didn’t know the tire was flat, but I would call AAA and have them come change the tire. Mind you, one of the reasons I do not know anything about cars is the fact that my dad has no car knowledge either. I literally took out the car manual and read the directions on how to change a tire. Both my parents watched in horror as it took me over two hours to figure it out. It took me another two hours to figure out why I had a smaller tire than the other three now on the car. I thought donuts were only available at Dunkin Donuts.

Another time, I was taking my friends to the beach and my car started to leak oil all over the place. Growing up I was always the one with a car. We were close to the beach so we just left the car on the side of the road. In the mid-eighties car phones were not the norm so I had to use the pay phone when I got to the beach. When my dad answered, I explained what happened and he told me he was going to call my grandfather and ask him for his advice.

My grandfather could turn a lawnmower into a Cadillac, however he never taught my dad how to fix a car and being the third generation male of the group, grandfather’s knowledge never filtered down.

Anyway, when I called dad back he told me that grandfather said that it was probably a rod that went through the oil pan. I was so perplexed for a moment because I could not know how my grandfather knew that we were going fishing at the beach. I told my dad that there was no way that one of our fishing rods became stuck in the engine. My dad did get a kick out of that one.

Now a day’s, when you buy a new car you automatically get either Onstar or BMW Assist like I have in my car. If something goes wrong you just hit the button, generally near the steering wheel, and a sexy woman’s voice comes on the line and asks you what is wrong, which makes no sense to me. If I knew what was wrong, I would not be pushing the damn button in the first place now would I?

This past Christmas during a snow storm I got stuck on the middle of the highway in my brand new 750 BMW because of all the snow on the highway. I pushed the little BMW Assist button and I connected with the operator and explained my situation. After a few minutes, the operator told me that the positraction automatically shuts off when there is heavy snow on the ground and since I have rear wheel drive this is for my safety. All that money for a car that shuts down in the snow, great!

A car to me is just pre-paid auto expense as my accounting professor once said in class. I have no interest in learning about engines any time soon. I will make my sons take a class to learn about cars and how they work so a fourth generation doesn’t end up like my dad or I.


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The Fabulous Disgusting Twinkie

Today, I did something I am not proud of and in the grand scheme of things, I really do not care all that much. What did I do, you ask? I devoured a semi fresh but always delicious vanilla crème filled Twinkie. Man, what pure joy this columnist experienced with each and every bite.

Yes my friends, the Twinkie was the highlight of my lunch today. When I say I enjoyed each and every bite, I really meant I enjoyed all two and a half bites. Twinkies are not exactly the largest pastry ever assembled. Heck, they are only 9.9 centimeters long.

A Twinkie is a huge part of every lunch it is a part of. Eating that dry sandwich to get to the Twinkie almost makes the sandwich bearable. Tell me you do not like a Twinkie better than a sandwich?

While I enjoyed my Twinkie, I started to think about what a Twinkie actually is. Twinkies were invented in Schiller Park, Illinois in about 1930 by James A. Dewar, a baker for Continental Bakeries (now Hostess). Someone actually had to think of the Twinkie because it certainly was not the Twinkie Kid. Dewar realized that several machines used to make cream-filled strawberry shortcake sat idle when strawberries were out of season, Dewar conceived a snack cake filled with banana cream, which he dubbed the Twinkie. A banana filled crème filled Twinkie sounds outstanding to me, but I digress. During World War II, bananas were rationed and Hostess was forced to switch to vanilla cream. This change proved so popular that Hostess never switched back to banana and still uses vanilla cream in Twinkies today. Even though I am still stuck on the banana crème filing, I guess the vanilla crème filing will just have to do for now.

Hostess makes approximately five hundred million Twinkies per year. If you are keeping score at home folks, that is thirty thousand five hundred and seventy eight miles of Twinkies made per year. That is a whole lot of vanilla crème to fill those delicious little cakes. Remember, one single Twinkie is only nine point nine centimeters long.

There are thirty nine ingredients that go into a Twinkie. Fourteen of those ingredients increase the shelf life of a Twinkie. Hostess will not say how long a Twinkie will last on the shelf before going bad, however I have learned it is a really really long time. Twinkies actually have a shelf life of twenty five days in all actuality. This is incredibly long for a baked good. The real reason that a Twinkie can last that long is the fact that there is absolutely no dairy products in the Twinkie itself. Makes you wonder what exactly those chemicals are, doesn’t it?

Another fun, well maybe only to me, fact is that America’s favorite processed food will actually explode in a microwave if cooked for over forty five seconds. I am sure that my cleaning lady will not be overly excited for me to try and prove Hostess wrong, however I did think about doing it today until I realized I did not want to waste one of those delicious nine point nine centimeter cakes from heaven.

Twinkies contain a whopping 160 calories per cake, along with 5 grams of fat, (including 2 grams of saturated fat), 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 2000 milligrams of salt, 25 grams of carbohydrates—but zero grams of fiber. Since most of the time you actually eat two or more Twinkies per sitting, Jenny Craig will be in business for a long long time. In other words, there's a reason many consider Twinkies to be the quintessential junk food and I believe Jenny Craig has plenty of stock options in Hostess.

Believe it or not, the fact that some folks go the extra step of deep-frying their Twinkies in funnel-cake batter, (not that I know what funnel cake batter is) an increasingly common confection at fairs and carnivals in the United States—is so unhealthy it staggers the imagination. I have tried one of these Twinkies at a fair and I was immediately hooked after the first bite.

Of course this column is called Well Thought Out Thoughts and a Bunch of Useless Information, so I had to get into what a Twinkie really is and why I like it so much. Hey, I never said that I do not think when I eat.



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My love of "Chick Flicks"

I love movies. I probably have seen more movies than Roger Ebert has. Today, when I was thinking of ideas of what to write this evening, before I started to get into my novel, and someone asked me what my favorite movie was. Without hesitation, I said Mama Mia, with Meryl Streep. Now that I think about it I have seen the movie at least thirty times and have seen the Broadway show about ten times.

My mother used to play ABBA records over and over again constantly when I was a young child. When I first went to see the Broadway show right after 9/11, with my parents and really close friends, I felt an instant connection to the play. It was not just the music that suckered me in, but the shear uplifting experience the show brought to us. When we needed an uplifting experience to get all of us out of the rut we were in, it was Mama Mia that did the trick.
Movies are supposed to take you away from reality for a few hours and let your imagination run wild. I recently went to see the A-Team all by myself about two weeks ago. The critics absolutely blasted the movie as being infantile and juvenile. I spent two hours with a smile on my face. Having Jessica Biel in the movie certainly did not hurt in the smile department. The movie brought me back to my childhood when Mister T and George Peppard ruled my television set.
There really have been some terrible movies that I watched recently. I ask myself all of the time when I see a bad movie, ‘Why did I spend two hours watching that crappola?” the answer hits me almost instantaneously, I watch them because I just strive for that release of the pressures of life. Even the most terribly made movies have some type of healing powers.

Ok, so why the love of chick flicks? I have spent many a night thinking about why I enjoy these movies and it hit me today before I started this column. I am for certain it is because they always end with the main characters smiling at the end of the movie. When the main characters have that happy moment I guess so do I.

Besides these so called “Chick Flicks” I enjoy other types of movies as well. If you know me I love Steven Segal Movies till this day. Even when he turned to a tub of lard I stilled watch every single one of his movies. Jason Stratham is to me the new Segal without all of the fried chicken around his waist, thank you very much.
Adam Sandler brings me my fill of comic relief. I have never seen a bad Adam Sandler movie, ever. Always with the same cast, especially Rob Schneider, Sandler scores with each and every movie.

Jackie Chan is another one of my personnel favorites as well. I used to watch Kung Fu Theater as a child every Saturday morning. Chan’s stunts are legendary in the movie business. Even when he played a nanny, I watched and enjoyed his work.

The dumber the movie the more I enjoy the movie. Weekend at Bernie’s was a childhood favorite of mine. I told you I like dumb down movies. Any movie that has a dead man that walks rates four stars on my movie list.

Movies are a great release for sure and it as always been for me. Whether it if at a showcase or when the Netflix package shows up in my mailbox there is always this sense of excitement that goes through me. Sometimes the previews are the best part of the experience; however I really do not care. Give me two hours with some popcorn and I become a happy person.

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