There is not a care in the world that I have more than the health of my family. You never feel as powerless in your life when you cannot help someone you love get well. My family has been hit and hit hard by the sickness bug. It is how we persevere and how we step up to the plate for our love one’s that matters the most.
I am not great at being the strong one. I let my emotions, selfishly perhaps; dictate at times how I react to news that is not the best. I have to learn that this is not about me and my feelings; it is about the people I care about who need all the love and support I can give. Love and happiness is the best medicine of them all.
I ask myself often why this happens to good people. Isn’t this the same question everyone asks during a time in stress when things are not going well? We try to get reasons instead of looking at what is in front of us, the problem at hand.
The birth of my son has changed me in so many ways even as a PhD mathematician I cannot even count that high. He is my whole world wrapped up in his 19 pound frame. Even when he keeps me up all night, his precious little smile makes all my worries go away. I wish I could give that feeling to the people in my life who need it.
I know I dwell on the bad in my life and do not appreciate the good in it. I get way down when I cannot control the situation and I certainly cannot control the health and mental stability of my loved ones.
I had a rude awakening today as I did the unthinkable. I did not help someone in my family who needed me. I thought of my feelings first, and that I am ashamed of. I obviously had no malice in feelings today, I just wanted the person to be well. Can a person really be well without the support one needs? My thoughts always go back to one thing and one thing only, laughter.
I firmly believe that people who are ill do not need the self pity. They need to feel that they still have that self worth that they always had. They stay strong for us and not for themselves. That is the most selfless act there is.
When I started to write a column, I had hoped more than anything that my thoughts would help me to become not only a better person, but to be more understanding. I always hear that I am the one with the big heart and the one who will always be there for everyone. I am a workaholic, a believer in the good in everyone, (even though that has burned me over and over again, but that is a column for another day), and a positive thinker. I make all my decisions based on my heart and what comes out from my soul. That is what gets me into trouble.
I have to learn a balance between worrying too much and not worrying enough is all I can take from this column. Of course, I will always worry too much because that is what I do. I will have to pretend to not worry and that is where my worrying will show through and I will act stupidly and trip over my tongue, which I have become a master at.
I want to be the best I can be when the deck is stacked against my family. I wish the pain would go to me and I have always believed that. Except I do not believe I am even close to being as strong as the people in my family to handle it. I still would take that challenge any day though.
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